


Spencer the Fearless Spider Killer

by Shakespeares_Girl



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Community: cottoncandy_bingo, Gen, M/M, Moving In Together
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-27
Updated: 2012-09-27
Packaged: 2017-11-15 03:22:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/522590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shakespeares_Girl/pseuds/Shakespeares_Girl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spencer knew it was a mistake to send Brendon to clean the basement.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Spencer the Fearless Spider Killer

Brendon shrieks so loudly Spencer can hear him all the way up in the attic, even though Brendon is down in the basement. Spencer jerks upright at the sound of Brendon's shout, banging his head on the sloped ceiling. The attic is really more of a crawlspace, and Spencer should have sent wriggly Brendon up here instead, but he'd wanted to see if the space was dry enough to keep old instruments and boxes of books without worrying about his drums warping, or Brendon's guitars getting dry rot. There's a place by the single window that looks questionable, but Spencer figures they can patch the roof and it'll be fine.

Of course, now Brendon's screaming in the basement, and Spencer quickly makes his way down the ladder and through the hall, down the stairs and into the kitchen, then down more stairs to the basement. “Bren?” Spencer calls.

“Spencer, save me!” Brendon screeches. Spencer's heart speeds up. He can't see Brendon—he could be anywhere, he could be lost somewhere in this—okay, sort of small, but dark and dank basement, he could be . . . over there, behind the furnace. Spencer hurries around the corner and Brendon practically launches himself into Spencer's arms when he sees him. “Spencer!” Brendon cries, and now that Spencer can see Brendon, the welling panic eases. Brendon is in full-on melodramatic mode, so whatever it is can't be anywhere near as bad as the scenarios Spencer is thinking of.

“Brendon, what's wrong?” Spencer asks, feeling himself shift into “humor Brendon” mode. “What's happening?”

“There, over there! It's—it's just horrible, it's so—so big, and hairy, and—and Spencer, I can't--” Brendon swoons back over Spencer's arm and covers his eyes with the back of his wrist, all dramatic lines and ridiculous theatricality.

Spencer is distracted from Brendon by the description of—of whatever it is that made Brendon scream—by the fact that Brendon has just described something that might possibly be a dick. Big. Hairy. Horrible. It's taking a lot not to ask Brendon why he's decided to find dicks scary now, when he seems perfectly willing to get up close and personal with Spencer's on a regular basis, but he exercises an inhuman amount of control and instead pushes Brendon carefully behind him. “It's all right, madam, you don't have to look--” Brendon swats Spencer's shoulder at that, “but could you please tell me what is it I'm protecting you from?”

“That—that horrible ugly spider, Spencer Smith! Don't let it get me!” Brendon clings to Spencer's shoulders from behind, and Spencer laughs, because really? This is about a spider? But he plays along anyway.

Carefully, he approaches where the threat to all humanity—and possibly Brendon's virtue—sits calmly and peacefully in its web. It is maybe the biggest spider Spencer has ever seen, barring the tarantula Ryan got as a pet that one year, and then promptly forgot all about, so that Spencer was the one who had to take care of it. This one is smaller, and less hairy, and definitely non-tarantula shaped, but it's still an extremely large spider. “Don't worry ma'am,” Spencer reaches back and pats Brendon's white-knuckled hand. “Why don't you go upstairs and wait in the kitchen, and I'll rid your basement of evil spiders for you?”

Brendon kisses Spencer's cheek. “Thank you, brave sir!” he says, breathy and feminine, and flutters his eyelashes at Spencer before retreating up the stairs.

Spencer looks around the basement. They'd just moved in the week before, and most of their things are still in storage, so there isn't much down here, but there's a bucket by the sink that looks like it'll do the job. It's a bucket that looks like it once got used for mixing wallpaper paste, and it has a lid by it and everything, so Spencer grabs it and carefully knocks the spider off it's web and into the bucket, then puts the lid on. He walks back up the stairs and out the side door. Once he's in the back yard, he opens the lid and looks inside. The spider is sitting quietly on the bottom of the bucket. Spencer thinks it might be baleful, if spiders know how to be baleful.

With a sigh, Spencer tips the spider out of the bucket and watches as it slowly gathers its wits and stalks over to the lattice piece that leans against the shed. Satisfied, Spencer puts the bucket in the shed and heads back inside. He shuts the door behind him and goes up the three steps into the kitchen. “All done,” he announces. “Your virtue is saved, and the spider is vanquished.”

“Yay!” Brendon claps his hands. “You get to go in the creepy basements from now on, Spencer Smith. I'll take the nice, safe attics.”

“As you wish, madam,” Spencer teases. “And now, I claim a kiss for my reward.”

“Spencer Smith, I am not Ethel Merman and you may not call me madam!” Brendon protests, but he leans over and kisses Spencer anyway.

**Author's Note:**

> For reference: _Call Me Madam_ was a musical written by Irving Berlin for Ethel Merman. She opens the show with the immortal line "Call me madam," which is quickly followed by "Hostess With the Mostess," an expository song which tells the audience, and her new secretary, exactly what's been going on up til that point.
> 
> I thought I might mention this, seeing as nobody ever gets my _Call Me Madam_ references.


End file.
